Monday, August 12, 2019

Compliments


            This week I received two compliments: one from my doctor and one from a game on my tablet.
            The game, Cradle of Empires, by Awem. is a match-3 with various secondary activities. It's a fairly accurate historical Egyptian theme, with forays into modern European-Christian elements such as Christmas, Valentine's Day, and Halloween. I appreciate that the English is usually spelled and used correctly.
Today, when I opened the game, a statement from the game developers appeared thanking me for playing and being such a great friend. Did I know, they asked, that today was International Friendship Day? No, I answered silently, I didn't know that. Since I am such a great friend of theirs, they were giving me an hour of 'free' play.
This game has complimented me before. Unexpectedly, I receive a personal sounding note about how great I am, how much they like me, and what they want to do for me. Sure, they're trying to        keep me playing the game, especially when they give a 'free' hour of play. I've lived for 65 years now. I know they're not just being nice because of my sparkling personality.
Still, there is something about the personal, warm sounding note that makes me feel good. Like they really do care about me and would be sad if I disappeared from their digital lives.
And isn't this what makes a wonderful compliment? Warmth, sincerity, positivity, caring.
One nice thing about compliments, that this game does skillfully, is that they are unexpected. When someone says you're wearing nice clothes, you sing well, or you've shown real improvement at a skill, it usually comes at an informal, unplanned moment. Even compliments during a job review can feel unscripted and therefore more sincere.
  Personally, I love getting compliments, and I'm no longer ashamed to admit it. Frankly, I think everyone loves compliments, even if some deny it. I met a couple from Europe who said that in their culture they rarely give compliments because it is expected that people will know when they're doing well. However, verbal correction is handed out freely when someone messes up because they need to be reminded. 
Many people have been raised this way.  Without compliments.
Including me.
I don't recall a single compliment from my parents, although they frequently referred to us as  "great kids". What did that mean, really? It meant I was doing what I was supposed to do right alongside my siblings. No "good job" for As and Bs, but "what's the problem with you?" for Cs and Ds. Often I dreaded Report Card time because there would be frowns and questions. Best to get Bs to keep away from frowns, and avoid As because I would never receive praise for them.
Therefore, I grew up not hearing or seeing compliments. I rarely saw this gesture modeled. So often during my life, I wish I had complimented someone, but the words seem stuck at the back of my throat.
There's a song from the musical South Pacific that says, "We must be carefully taught to hate."
I believe we must also be carefully taught to be kind, and that includes giving compliments.
I recently heard that Kahlil Gibran defined generosity as giving more than you can possibly give. That was a new idea to me. I give freely of my time, some folks give freely of their money. But I never considered giving MORE than I could give. Talk about abundance thinking!
What if we treated compliments that way; as a kind of generosity in which we give more than we can possibly give. What if we gave out compliments all over the place.
Try not to be afraid. Sure, you'll mess up sometimes, but give compliments anyway. They are so much better for the world than silence.
What compliment did my doctor give? Join me next Monday as I relate a tiny bit about my first Medicare exam. This week I hope you can give compliments in joyous, unbearable abundance!      

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