Home Fires and Heart Fires

Outside temperature at my house yesterday: -25, warming up to -17.

It's cold here. Mighty cold!

So, as we do every winter when the arctic cold arrives, we started using our wood stove.

Sometimes I surprise people with my adeptness at starting fires and keeping them going. Maybe I look like a city gal. Anyway, what does that say about me, that I am a good fire starter? It says that every winter I work with fire.

I start fires with crunched newspapers, kindling, and matches. My spouse uses newspaper laid out flat, fuel oil, and matches. His fires start more consistently than mine. But I like the idea of kindling: little pieces of wood being used for a bigger purpose.

Once a fire is started, it requires tending.

This is a windy place, so most days, wind creates a strong draft, sucking on the wood in the stove. On these days, the wood burns quickly so new pieces must be added frequently.

Other days, the air outside is still, barely moving. These are more challenging days because there is very little draft for the stove. A fire just doesn't catch. No matter how much kindling or newspaper … no fire. More logs certainly don't help under these circumstances.

If I try to start a fire and put in too many logs, and then try to take a log out, it would probably be smoldering. Translate: dangerous. Where would I put a smoldering log outside the woodstove? It could burn any surface I set it on.

Even on a safe surface, there would be smoke filling up the house, setting off all the fire alarms, requiring that we open the windows. Then neighbors would see smoke billowing out of our house and call the fire department. Then firemen, in full, heavy gear, would drive up in noisy, alarming firetrucks and discover there was just a smoldering log in my house. Then they would put it back in the wood stove. Problem solved.

So best to keep the barely starting fire inside the stove.

Whether there is wind for a draft or not, fires require attention.

As the fire burns throughout the day, it must be fed more wood.

I have learned that most wood stoves do best with three logs burning at a time.

One log, by itself, either burns down quickly without providing much heat, or it doesn't burn at all.

Two logs provide more heat and will burn against each other merrily. Usually, however, they just smolder where they touch. I start my fires with two logs because I want room in the stove for kindling and newspaper. Once a fire is started, I add more logs.

Three logs is, in my experience, the perfect number in a wood stove. They rub against each other, keeping each other burning. They fill the stove without being cramped, which means the stove itself heats up and provides that ambient heat we wood stove lovers love so much.

More than three logs at a time can choke off the draft and the fire.

As you can see, wood stove fires require attention. They do not burn continuously by themselves.

When I am tending the fire in my wood stove, I often reflect on tending to people. Like single logs, people don't do well all by themselves. Literally, their hearts wane. Research is showing us that humans require other humans, regular connections, the face-to-face presence of loved ones.

But of course, get two people together and you risk getting sparks, smoldering looks, disagreements.

When a third person enters the mix, for good or bad reasons, much more happens. Often, fiery exchanges happen. And just as often, deep, heart-felt conversation happens.

These moments are healthy for us. We are herd animals, living most of our existence on this planet in tribes. Connecting with other people, face-to-face, like the logs in my stoves, creates a burn, a fire, a warmth. It warms our hearts.

This time of year can have an arctic effect on some people, chilling their bones and hearts.

If you know someone like this, consider ways to pay attention to them: give them a hand-written note, listen without speaking, seek shared humor, share warm cups of drink -- and chocolates.

Our hearts require tending. They require kindling—little appreciations being used for a greater purpose—drafts of fresh air, ideally outside of buildings, and face-to-face time with other people with with as little time limit as possible.

From my wood stove, my heart stove, to yours this wintry season — warmth and cheer.

Firece Optimism Decking the Halls

I'm not gonna lie, I love this time of year for the music. I know the melodies, the words, the sentiment. I enjoy variations on the old standard tunes, but I also love the Bing Crosby versions.

Oh heck, honestly, I love this time of year. I love the cheerfulness, the hopefulness, the optimism. It's the time of year when I am not insulted by someone for being an optimist.

What is it about optimism that gives the impression of placid, passive, non-resistant? An optimistic  person  probably won't stand up for themselves, is gullible, is an easy mark for a scam.

I am optimistic, and I don't have these qualities. I am energetic, active, resistant.

I resist new ideas, such as voting by mail. Maybe I want us to suffer a little, but standing in line to vote seems like a fair sacrifice for the privilege. Plus, I saw neighbors in line and we caught up on the news of ourselves every two years. Nice.

But I often welcome new technology, such as cell phones. Remember when cell phones could take pictures? Wow! Exciting! Now, as we know, they can almost drive our cars. I confess, I'm resistant to that idea.

Though optimistic, I frequently stand up for myself. Especially on behalf of optimism. But also to keep my place in line at the grocery store, to check an order carefully to make sure I received all that I ordered – and to seek satisfaction if not – or to challenge the doctor about taking medicine that I feel uncomfortable about.

Optimism does not mean gullible. I've been scammed a few times in my life, but I try to learn from those incidents so I'll be more careful, more thoughtful, take more time when a terrific offer comes to me.

In fact, though optimistic about today's world, I am well aware of man's unkindness to mankind. Everyone is capable of hurting their loved ones, of stealing, even of killing. In my world view, no one can be trusted completely. Every single person I know, or know of, is capable of betraying me and breaking my heart.

But here is the pathway of optimism: I love people anyway. I develop close friendships, assist acquaintances when they may run off with my help or my cash, and give food to the food bank even though they may be feeding the same challenging family day after day.

I try to do good anyway.

Although my efforts may be useless or even lead to dire consequences, I try.

Every day I try to do good.

The world is better than ever and my tiny efforts will multiply that good.

Being optimistic means being active, forthright, and open-hearted. It ain't easy. Frequently, I am defensive, fiercely protective of my optimism.

But I choose optimism anyway.

Can you tell?  :)))

Also, this time of year, I can hum, or sing loudly, Deck the Halls with Bows of Holly without reproof. Joy!!!

Compliments

            This week I received two compliments: one from my doctor and one from a game on my tablet.

            The game, Cradle of Empires, by Awem. is a match-3 with various secondary activities. It's a fairly accurate historical Egyptian theme, with forays into modern European-Christian elements such as Christmas, Valentine's Day, and Halloween. I appreciate that the English is usually spelled and used correctly.

Today, when I opened the game, a statement from the game developers appeared thanking me for playing and being such a great friend. Did I know, they asked, that today was International Friendship Day? No, I answered silently, I didn't know that. Since I am such a great friend of theirs, they were giving me an hour of 'free' play.

This game has complimented me before. Unexpectedly, I receive a personal sounding note about how great I am, how much they like me, and what they want to do for me. Sure, they're trying to        keep me playing the game, especially when they give a 'free' hour of play. I've lived for 65 years now. I know they're not just being nice because of my sparkling personality.

Still, there is something about the personal, warm sounding note that makes me feel good. Like they really do care about me and would be sad if I disappeared from their digital lives.

And isn't this what makes a wonderful compliment? Warmth, sincerity, positivity, caring.

One nice thing about compliments, that this game does skillfully, is that they are unexpected. When someone says you're wearing nice clothes, you sing well, or you've shown real improvement at a skill, it usually comes at an informal, unplanned moment. Even compliments during a job review can feel unscripted and therefore more sincere.

  Personally, I love getting compliments, and I'm no longer ashamed to admit it. Frankly, I think everyone loves compliments, even if some deny it. I met a couple from Europe who said that in their culture they rarely give compliments because it is expected that people will know when they're doing well. However, verbal correction is handed out freely when someone messes up because they need to be reminded. 

Many people have been raised this way.  Without compliments.

Including me.

I don't recall a single compliment from my parents, although they frequently referred to us as  "great kids". What did that mean, really? It meant I was doing what I was supposed to do right alongside my siblings. No "good job" for As and Bs, but "what's the problem with you?" for Cs and Ds. Often I dreaded Report Card time because there would be frowns and questions. Best to get Bs to keep away from frowns, and avoid As because I would never receive praise for them.

Therefore, I grew up not hearing or seeing compliments. I rarely saw this gesture modeled. So often during my life, I wish I had complimented someone, but the words seem stuck at the back of my throat.

There's a song from the musical South Pacific that says, "We must be carefully taught to hate."

I believe we must also be carefully taught to be kind, and that includes giving compliments.

I recently heard that Kahlil Gibran defined generosity as giving more than you can possibly give. That was a new idea to me. I give freely of my time, some folks give freely of their money. But I never considered giving MORE than I could give. Talk about abundance thinking!

What if we treated compliments that way; as a kind of generosity in which we give more than we can possibly give. What if we gave out compliments all over the place.

Try not to be afraid. Sure, you'll mess up sometimes, but give compliments anyway. They are so much better for the world than silence.

What compliment did my doctor give? Join me next Monday as I relate a tiny bit about my first Medicare exam. This week I hope you can give compliments in joyous, unbearable abundance!